Santa's outburst at Eurostar!

Rumours are spreading (not quite as fast as wild fire but certainly like a steady house fire) that popular Christmas fatty Santa Claus (or Father Christmas as some of you may know him) has been put dramatically behind schedule due to the Eurostar delays.

Speaking to Bizarre news from Paris Mr Claus said, 'It's feckin typical isn't it.....you don't go on a holiday all year round, you decide to take a quick weekend break before your biggest night of the year....and this happens!!. Can't feckin believe it!!, to be honest we only took the train cos me Mrs had some vouchers for £20 off......i told her we should av flown!!, we could av used these vouchers on a booze cruise in the summer before the World Cup or something.....but no, she knows best!. So even if we get home tomorrow, i'm not gonna get any me time to relax before Christmas bastard Eve!.....and i've not finished me shopping yet!, even the good kids will be getting stuff from service stations this year!......... and to make matters worse, i'm meant to be getting a massage later today, and i can't cancel cos i need to give them 24 hours notice!. So not only will i miss Mistress Susie's rubdown, thats £35 i'm not gonna see again!'.

Eurostar hope to resume normal service today, which hopefully will enable Santa to get home on time and save Christmas.

Rage ruins Christmas yet again!

Rage Against the Machine (pictured above being angry) have once again secured the Xmas number 1 slot with this years offering, the festively themed 'Killing in the Name', despite a spirited effort to beat it to the top spot by a campaign started on ITV.

Music fans who were fed up of being spoon fed the same old anarchic rap metal tunes sung by the American band decided to get together in an attempt to find a way of toppling them from their usual place at the top of the xmas charts. Spokesman for the movement Simon Cowell said 'This really has been a grass roots movement by music lovers to show RATM that the public are fed up of their dominance. It could be the beginning of the end for rap metal, and the music that I love could return to its rightful place. I just wish Robson and Jerome were still with us to see it!.....and i really mean that'.

The movement decided the best thing to do was to start an ITV Saturday night show and get people to humiliate themselves by singing to some overpaid and overrated judges who would then pick the dullest or blandest karaoke singer and then the winner would sing a handpicked sickly ballad, the sort of fayre the typical ITV viewer would love.

Unfortunately for the little Geordie girl Josephine McInderry who was chosen to take on RATM, her song 'The Climb' only managed to reach Number 2 last night, with the Americans outselling it by 50'000 copies.
Rage Against the Machine have had the xmas Number 1 for the past 5 years, with last years effort 'Deck the Halls with Guerrilla Warfare' outselling the nearest competitor Alexandra Burke with her song 'Annoying Flop' by 230'000 copies.
The last word went to Cowell 'Even though we didn't quite get our song to number 1, I think we all proved a point. The public have spoken and have had their say, it turns out that not as many of us like my style of dull emotionless music as i thought, but the gap is closing Rage!, next year we'll get you!'.


Based on an idea by N Burgin