Reporters and Journalists Clog Up UK!

Television, Radio and newspaper reporters have brought Britain to a halt by clogging up the roads and pavements by reporting on the snowy conditions with their outside broadcast teams.

While all members of the public have taken the sensible advice from the reporters to stay inside unless your journey is absolutely necessary, they have failed to take their own advice themselves by getting stranded in places they told people they would be stupid to go to.

In Cumbria Sky News presenter Kay Burley caused havoc with parents trying to take their children to school because she and her crew had blocked the only road to the Lady Devere Junior school in Windermere with their outside broadcast van. Irate mother Debbie Reynolds said 'The stupid bitch said the bloody school was open, then we can't get in cos she's blocked the chuffing road!. Then the cheeky hoe criticises the parents for not making the effort of taking the children to school!'.

In Yorkshire Look North presenter Christa Ackroyd got stuck in a snowdrift in the village of Little Bigtown whilst doing a report on how dangerous it was in Little Bigtown with the risk of snowdrifts afoot.

On the M62 (dubbed the journalists graveyard) there was gridlock as thousands of TV crews all clambered to get to the coldest part of Britain in the Pennines to do a report on how cold it was in the Pennines. When asked why they needed to be there themselves in order to tell people how cold it is, London Today's Sheila Foggarty said 'Our viewers wouldn't be able to understand words!, they need pictures of how cold it is or they won't believe it!'.
In the same traffic jam a BBC reporter said 'I can't believe all these idiots have come out after we told them all non essential travel was non essential'. A comment later taken back when it was pointed out the jam was 100% journalist caused!.

News source WrightMedia

Terrorist snow threat!

Government experts are refusing to rule out the possibility that the current adverse snow and ice conditions blighting large parts of the United Britain have been sent by different sets of Al Qaeda terrorist groups (suspected terrorists pictured above preparing big snowball attack!).

The bad weather has hit Britain where the majority of the work gets done (the north) with the worst snowfall since the last time there was a big snowfall and the time before that. The government minister in charge of the Counter Snow Terrorism group Harry Gration issued the warning based on a tip off he read on an Arabic website in Hebrew translated into French, Dutch and Irish.

The minister also warned the public against the ground sleeper cells that Al Qaeda might have trained to 'raise hell' in towns and villages whilst the snow is on the ground. Gration said 'It is our fear that terrorists have trained children not at school to target members of the public.... especially idiots who have taken to the streets on skis just to show off! pretentious bastards!!. Plus, they could be using snowballs loaded with snow really packed in tight so that it really hurts!. The thing about terrorists is, they know how to hit us at our weak spot, and if snow falls we grind to a halt, so it makes sense that the snow and aggressive children with snowballs are Al Qaeda terrorists!'.

Another technique that Bizarre News has heard that terrorists might be using during this cold snap to disrupt Britain, is buying all the bread and milk from stores such as One Stop, Spar and Ma Hubbard's local village shop. Penistone (In Yorkshire) villager Brian Dewdrop commented 'If theres one thing that really pisses off a Yorkshire man its not being able to buy bread and milk!, and if I find I can't get hold of my copy of Yorkshire Today newspaper theres gonna be proper trouble!'.

Santa missing presumed missing!

Reports in Lapland are stating that foul mouthed rotund present giver Santa Claus (pictured above) has not yet returned home following his worldwide whistle stop Christmas Eve delivering session.

His wife Tracey Claus spoke on Lapland's main TV channel, 'he's never been this late before, don't get me wrong....he likes a drink or two as he does his rounds but its been nearly two weeks so even if he curled up in somebody's shed or summat to get over his hangover you'd av thought he'd be home by now!?!? i don't want to upset the kids but I'm getting a bit worried myself!'.

The news of Santa being missing will only add fuel to the Lapland gossip mongers who were reporting that only a week before Christmas he was spotted with a mystery blonde who at the time SC described as 'just a friend, we were just talking about presents and shit!......theres nowt goin on!'.

According to a inside source though it's common knowledge that Claus has an eye for female bodied humans and is very keen to make his image 'a little more bad boy' which would indicate that he has eloped with one of his special lady friends, but if anybody has any information on Mr Claus's whereabouts they should phone Lapland police on 00001 000001.

Based on a tip from Nick Burgin