Andre appearance causes chaos at Derbyshire Supermarket

Cypriot grease-ball Peter Andre (pictured above after being asked what 1 plus 1 was) caused chaos on Friday at a supermarket (Tescos) in Derbyshire (Chesterfield) as literally tens of people turned up wanting to meet the former star of ITV 2's Katie & Peter show. Andre was in town to promote his new book 'Pete - My life in pictures'.

Speaking to a Bizarre News Reporter, Andre said ''It's great to see (asks manager where he is) ......Chesterfield's unemployed women coming out to meet me and buy my book''. When asked what his book was about he said ''This book is about my time since I split up with Katie, its a collection of drawings I've done which you can colour in if you want!!'' Andre commented enthusiastically ''but it's not just a colouring book, it's also got a dot to dot section!''. Our reporter then said ''You say you did the pictures Peter?, but surely it was your kids that did the drawings?'' Andre replied ''Nah mate, it was all me, I done them with my new felts and everything!!''.

The crowd of scary northern women who had come to mob Andre included workmates Emma and Frankie. Emma (25) said ''He's reet fit isn't he, we've had to pretend we're ill so we could leave work and meet him!''. Frankie (19) said ''You're not going to publish this are you?......no, good. If I could, I'd have him for breakfast......and his brother.......shame about his music though!''.

Reid gets the Price right in Las Vegas!

Hideous so called celebrity couple Alex Reid and Katy Price have had a surprisingly 'tack free' wedding in Las Vegas which is in America. The embarrassing couple (above, looking for the pink bear they skinned for Price to wear on the flight) made the decision to 'get hitched' because they had a few minutes spare on their holiday in between filming scripted scenes for their new ITV 2 show 'What Katie Did Next - featuring this years new man Alex Reid'.

Reid the winner of this years 'Sorry, I've never seen you before....What do you do? Big Brother' show had been convinced by his housemate and fellow ex successful person Stephen Baldwin that he should show some dignity, accept god into his life and not continue the relationship with Price, but on his release from the house in an interview with enthusiastic wearer of black clothes McCall (Devina), he said ''I know she messes me about, I know she's still in love with Andre (Cypriot) and I know she told the world (not actually the whole world, just the stupid people watching that Jungle rubbish) that she wasn't with me anymore!....but I just can't resist her....what can I tell you, she's everything I look for in a woman......plus I've never had the chance to be in a relationship when people can call me the talented and clever one!!'' Reid added.

Following the appearance on the show, Price dragged Reid off to America so the press couldn't give him media coverage and risk making him more famous than her, but instead of 'lying low' she made the decision that a wedding would ''really push up ratings'', and the two 'tied the knot' at a Chapel in Las Vegas.
Speaking to the film crew following them, the bride said ''I'm really happy, the happiest I've ever been....marrying this one this for series could be the one.....I could have done without him winning that Big Brother fing, but I'm rolling with the punch, it could make me more famous!....''.
The badly dressed fashion botherer also added ''Now, I just want the papers who we haven't sold our story to, and the TV companies that aren't filming our every move, to leave use alone and show some respect''.

Meanwhile, speaking on SkyNews a visibly elated Peter Andre said ''Thank F@#k for that, now she might leave me alone......pardon my Greek and sorry for swearing but it's a huge relief off my shoulders!!'.

#NEWSFLASH FROM HEAD OFFICE#

For the time being the bizarre news stories will not updated quite as often as you lovely people deserve!. The reason for this is due to work starting on an exciting new project. Please keep coming back though because there could be new material!!.

Osama's Bin Phoning!

TV funnyman Osama Bin Laden (pictured above playing keyboards for girlfriend Brittney Spears) has hit out at claims that he died 9 years ago in the bombing raids on Afghanistan!.

The beardy hater of the western world speaking on Scott Mills drive time show on Radio One said 'There are peoples out there what say I'm deaded!, but I say to them that if I'm deaded how comes every year I release an authentic convincing video or audio tape!?! answer me that, plus how come I'm on the phone to you right now Millsey!!?? the conversation continued......

Mills: Haha, good point Osama, I think its just that people are still an incy bit angry with you cos of the naughty things you did in 2001!

Bin Laden: Oh geez Louise, I'm sick to death of everyone thinking I'm a one trick pony, I can do other things you know,........for example I'm amazing on the Nintendo Wii!.

Mills: Ok Osama, so just to confirm you're not dead!?, have you anything else in the pipeline?

Bin Laden: Thanks for asking Millso, I'm trying to convince people to follow me on Twitter, my hook name is 'OsamasBinTweeting, and I'm hosting the MOBO awards this year as well, you should come down Milly.......we're gonna Jihad like it's 1999!!'.

Mills: That's great, do you have a track you'd like to hear?

Bin Laden: Yes please Mill-Dog, I'd like to hear the Black Eyed Peas with I Gotta Feeling and I dedicate it to my girl Brittney....I love you baby-doll!.

Mills: Always nice to speak with you Osama.....and here's your song

British Television Awards Round Up!

Last night saw the '25th Annual National Television awards for mainly ITV shows' held at the O2 arena in London Town.

Here is a brief round up of some of the winners:

Ant n Dec acted surprised at winning the ''Best Presenter'' award for Saturday Night Takeaway despite having won it for the last 30 years, triumphing over Davina McCall from Big Brother, Dermot O'Dreary from The X Factor and Lolly Badcock from Babestation. An excited Dec said ''By Christ this arenas big, it's bigger than Piers Morgan's ego!''.

''Best Soap opera'' was voted for by the public and was won by Coronation Street, Eastenders accepted the award on their behalf (pictured above) as Coronation Street were unable to attend with actor Larry Lamb saying ''Typical, give the British public the chance to fuck something up and they will!''

The new award for ''Best programme starring Piers Morgan'' was won by 'One man and his Ego', a show in which the smug Morgan goes on a soul searching journey round the world telling people how great he is and how much money he's got!.

The award for ''If they were that talented in the first place they wouldn't need to go on X Factor or Britain's Got Talent'' went to everybody who had that little charisma or talent that they needed to go on X Factor or Britain's Got Talent.

''Stupidest/Most Unbelievable Storyline'' award went to Hollyoaks for the 15th year in a row with the story of Tony, having run out of people to sleep with in Chester deciding to have an affair with himself!.

The ''Are you havin a laugh?'' award when to some annoying Loose Women for the show Loose Women.

The ''Whats Frank Lampard got that I haven't?'' award went to The One Show's Adrian Chiles, beating competition from Frank Lampard.

The last of the big awards was the prestigious ''Most Annoying Twat on Television'', which this year was given to Richard Hammond for any appearance he has ever made on the small screen.

Clarksons announce split!

Popular celebrity couple Jeremy and Kelly Clarkson (pictured above in happier times) has announced on their website they are going to split up with immediate effect!.

The couple who have been married for 20 years both say they have put up with each other for far too long and are leaving to pursue other love interests.

Although rarely seen together in public they did attend the recent premier of the new Police Academy movie 'Police Academy 25- Cops with Alzheimer's, but refused to talk to the press. Although at one point they were heard bickering about whether or not to have salty or sweet popcorn!.

An family friend who wishes to remain anonymous called James May told us ''This has been coming for a while, theres a few reasons but the main ones are that cos Jeremy is 10 years younger than Kelly he wants to go out all the time and shes just not bothered!, also he spends all his time with me and the little over enthusiastic fella who can't remember much''.

Clarkson (Kelly) is also thought to have become frustrated at her husbands really bad books, his ego, his stupid clothes, the fact he still does Alan Partridge impressions, his curly hair and the fact he's a personal friend of Conservative Leader David Cameron!.

Peppa's Pigged Off!

Star of her own TV show Peppa Pig (pictured above in happier times) has once again been in trouble with the authorities. The troubled youngster has been caught by police travelling in the passenger seat of her dad's car not wearing a seat belt!.

Peppa's career may have been short but it certainly has not been boring. In 2005 she famously converted to Islam and was rumoured to have visited a terrorist training camp (although these allegations were never proven), a year later she had her first visit to The Priory to help her quit her Heroin problem and in 2007 was caught on film in the infamous '3 in a bed' tape made in Ayia Napa with Kermit and Miss Piggy.

After this shaky period in her life 2008 was going well, with Peppa being told that despite the negative publicity she would not lose her hit show. In fact things went that well that she was offered a BBC2 Radio show with 'Loose Cannon' erratic presenter Shaun The Sheep. Shaun has also courted controversy over the years and the pairing of the two 'stars' together was a disaster with the BBC receiving on average 700 complaints after every show with the foul mouthed Animals breaching BBC broadcasting regulations on a regular basis.

The most high profile incident being when they rang up the ageing star Bungle from 70's hit kids show Rainbow and teased him about how Shaun (The Sheep) had slept with his Granddaughter after the Bear had failed to show up for a studio interview with the pair.

Peppa has been told to pay £340 and has 6 points on her pig driving license for her latest transgression, as the law prohibits pigs from travelling in the front of vehicles. Peppa commented to our reporter on the phone 'It's feckin typical, I'm being picked on again, I'm gonna quit this country and go somewhere where pigs are respected......like Pakistan or summat!?!'.

Police chief Ian Wolfwhistle also speaking to our reporter simply said 'Peppa needs to cut out this bad behavior and show some respect....or should i say 'Chop' it out.....d'yer get it? Chop!......Pork.....she's a pig!....oh f....'.

Ashton Kutcher admits 'I got the idea from Richard Madeley!'

American actor Ashton Kutcher famous for no films at all because he's not that good and MTV's Punked show, has admitted that he got the idea of marrying a pensioner (Demi Moore 65) from Richard Madeley over 10 years ago when he was nothing but a child!.

Speaking to popular over 65's magazine 'Something For The Old People' Kutcher said ''I went on the ITV This Morning show (watched by the unemployed and the stupid) and there was this guy on it with long hair who had just been caught stealing from Tesco's......I think the guy was called Richard?????, anyway, he presented the show with a woman I presumed was his mother or granny!, she just sat there shaking and showing her bra off!?!....... I never realised that she was his wife!. He told me that older women had plenty of things in their favor.......experience, cooking abilities and a state pension!. It was then that I decided thats what I was gonna do, so I went to a Hollywood old peoples home and picked up Demi. Shes not all there mentally but for a wrinkly she ain't so bad is she?? anyway gotta go, I have to have her back to Glenview Pines by 7pm for her evening meal!''.

Sick woman sues Noel Edmunds for being Noel Edmunds!

Bearded box enthusiast Noel Edmunds (above) is being sued by one of the recipients of his annual 'Noel's Christmas Presents' featured on the Sky One TV show of the same name.

The woman who is being called Zara Lewis because that's her name, suffers from a rare anti box opening game show disease called 'Noels Syndrome'. This one of a kind illness will mean that Lewis (Zara) will eventually realise that any TV show featuring Noel (Edmunds) is utterly pointless and will never be able to watch one of his shows without getting unbelievably angry that the beardy 'spray on trousered' lion lookalike is allowed to be on television.

When Noel heard about the unfortunate Lewis he wanted to help her while she would still think he was great, and he discovered the best way to do this was to make her dream come true of getting married to her partner Mike in Barbados. All was going well until Edmunds insisted on giving the bride away whilst wearing one of his trademark flowery shirts and tight jeans combination outfits. Lewis described the day...... 'All was going well, Noel and been wonderful and I just presumed he was going to be at the wedding as a guest, but he told my dad it would be better for the show if he himself gave me away. So i had to suffer the embarrassment of being walked down the aisle by that creepy toss pot!.....which brought my underlying Edmunds Syndrome on quicker!'.

Since Lewis now despises the star of Deal Or No Deal, she has sued him for making her look stupid on the biggest day of her life, with lawyer Simon Appleby of Appleby and Appleby Lawyers saying 'Lewis has got a great case against him, imagine your wedding day and you've got Noel Edmunds telling all the guests to think positive and she'll say yes!....it cheapens the sanctity of marriage'.

Confused Price forgets who her boyfriend is!

Winner of the recent award for 'The Worlds Worse Human' Katy Price (pictured above refusing to let go of Peter Andre) has admitted that she has forgotten who her boyfriend is at the moment!.

Speaking to TIT magazine the big chested and ego-ed non star said 'I remember splitting up with Pete (Andre), then ITV 2 told me I needed an new boyfriend cos of the new show I was starring in wot was called 'Jordans New Man'. So that's when I hired Alex the cross dressing cage fighter, then I got the chance to go back to the jungle wot I met Pete in and I fink I split up with Alex whilst I was there!?!. I didn't tell him personally but he must have been watching when I said I wanted to split up with him!?. We've all been there haven't we girls?, you're on the TV and you accidentally tell the world you want to split up with your boyfriend without having spoken to your boyfriend about it..........I mean, its all equality these days isn't it, wot with it being the 90's and everything!!'. Anyway, then i came out of the jungle cos I was having so much fun doing all the tasks, I just thought it would be fair to let other people have a go being as the public were showing how much they still loved me, and I got back with Alex, but then I met Dave Bowers who I used to go out with before I made that pregnant porn video and I had a night with him.....but I can't remember if I'm going out with Dave (Bowers) or Alex (cross dressing dumbo)???. Then wot got me really mad was seeing them both on Celeb Big Bro..............I mean if Channel 4 wanted z list celebs.....why didn't they call me???'.

ITV line up changes!

ITV's head of light entertainment has admitted that the 2010 line up of programmes will all feature in some way either Ant n Dec, Simon Cowell or Piers Morgan.

Liz Thompson speaking to Bizarre News said 'We decided that being as they were in 90% of all output anyway we might as well make them appear in everything we show!'.

This means that shows such as Coronation Street are going to be incorporating one of the ITV darlings somehow, and early indications are that Piers Morgan will be appearing in the Manchester based soap opera as Vincent Sinclair, Audrey Roberts very smug and pompous name dropping estranged son from an affair she had following a day trip to London.

Simon Cowell as well as continuing his position as 'critical twat' on both Britain's Got Talent and X Factor will be taking the lead in Midsomer Murders as Chief Inspector Barnaby now that John Nettles has given up the role. A Bizarre source told us that ' we've been hearing him practicing his lines backstage at American Idol!....we heard him saying 'That had to be, the most pointless murder and worst use of a crowbar I've ever seen in my life! and i really mean that i really do!'.

Ant n Dec who were recently crowned as the most successful gay Siamese twins in history, have been earmarked to take over the helm as the husband and wife duo on This Morning being as Holly Willoughby and Pip Schofield are not believable as an 'on screen' couple because of the age difference!, despite claims from Schofield that 'People think I'm old, but I'm prematurely grey.....I'm in my late twenties honest.......well, thirty.......thirty ish, to mid thirties........well, forty's the new twenty now isn't it, so technically I'm still twenty so Holly could be my wife!'. Willoughby simply quipped 'Me and Schofield as a couple!?!? ha, unlikely grey boy!'.

Reporters and Journalists Clog Up UK!

Television, Radio and newspaper reporters have brought Britain to a halt by clogging up the roads and pavements by reporting on the snowy conditions with their outside broadcast teams.

While all members of the public have taken the sensible advice from the reporters to stay inside unless your journey is absolutely necessary, they have failed to take their own advice themselves by getting stranded in places they told people they would be stupid to go to.

In Cumbria Sky News presenter Kay Burley caused havoc with parents trying to take their children to school because she and her crew had blocked the only road to the Lady Devere Junior school in Windermere with their outside broadcast van. Irate mother Debbie Reynolds said 'The stupid bitch said the bloody school was open, then we can't get in cos she's blocked the chuffing road!. Then the cheeky hoe criticises the parents for not making the effort of taking the children to school!'.

In Yorkshire Look North presenter Christa Ackroyd got stuck in a snowdrift in the village of Little Bigtown whilst doing a report on how dangerous it was in Little Bigtown with the risk of snowdrifts afoot.

On the M62 (dubbed the journalists graveyard) there was gridlock as thousands of TV crews all clambered to get to the coldest part of Britain in the Pennines to do a report on how cold it was in the Pennines. When asked why they needed to be there themselves in order to tell people how cold it is, London Today's Sheila Foggarty said 'Our viewers wouldn't be able to understand words!, they need pictures of how cold it is or they won't believe it!'.
In the same traffic jam a BBC reporter said 'I can't believe all these idiots have come out after we told them all non essential travel was non essential'. A comment later taken back when it was pointed out the jam was 100% journalist caused!.

News source WrightMedia

Terrorist snow threat!

Government experts are refusing to rule out the possibility that the current adverse snow and ice conditions blighting large parts of the United Britain have been sent by different sets of Al Qaeda terrorist groups (suspected terrorists pictured above preparing big snowball attack!).

The bad weather has hit Britain where the majority of the work gets done (the north) with the worst snowfall since the last time there was a big snowfall and the time before that. The government minister in charge of the Counter Snow Terrorism group Harry Gration issued the warning based on a tip off he read on an Arabic website in Hebrew translated into French, Dutch and Irish.

The minister also warned the public against the ground sleeper cells that Al Qaeda might have trained to 'raise hell' in towns and villages whilst the snow is on the ground. Gration said 'It is our fear that terrorists have trained children not at school to target members of the public.... especially idiots who have taken to the streets on skis just to show off! pretentious bastards!!. Plus, they could be using snowballs loaded with snow really packed in tight so that it really hurts!. The thing about terrorists is, they know how to hit us at our weak spot, and if snow falls we grind to a halt, so it makes sense that the snow and aggressive children with snowballs are Al Qaeda terrorists!'.

Another technique that Bizarre News has heard that terrorists might be using during this cold snap to disrupt Britain, is buying all the bread and milk from stores such as One Stop, Spar and Ma Hubbard's local village shop. Penistone (In Yorkshire) villager Brian Dewdrop commented 'If theres one thing that really pisses off a Yorkshire man its not being able to buy bread and milk!, and if I find I can't get hold of my copy of Yorkshire Today newspaper theres gonna be proper trouble!'.

Santa missing presumed missing!

Reports in Lapland are stating that foul mouthed rotund present giver Santa Claus (pictured above) has not yet returned home following his worldwide whistle stop Christmas Eve delivering session.

His wife Tracey Claus spoke on Lapland's main TV channel, 'he's never been this late before, don't get me wrong....he likes a drink or two as he does his rounds but its been nearly two weeks so even if he curled up in somebody's shed or summat to get over his hangover you'd av thought he'd be home by now!?!? i don't want to upset the kids but I'm getting a bit worried myself!'.

The news of Santa being missing will only add fuel to the Lapland gossip mongers who were reporting that only a week before Christmas he was spotted with a mystery blonde who at the time SC described as 'just a friend, we were just talking about presents and shit!......theres nowt goin on!'.

According to a inside source though it's common knowledge that Claus has an eye for female bodied humans and is very keen to make his image 'a little more bad boy' which would indicate that he has eloped with one of his special lady friends, but if anybody has any information on Mr Claus's whereabouts they should phone Lapland police on 00001 000001.

Based on a tip from Nick Burgin

Spain goes abroad for the first time!!

Popular holiday destination and country Spain (pictured above acting camp with a bull) has announced plans to go on a foreign holiday for the first time.

The country which is located in between Portugal and France in an interview with National Geographic magazine said 'We just want to take a year out and have a bit of me time you know!?!. We've been thinking about it for ages but just never got round to it, but the thought of having to put up with those idiots from Britain come over again this summer has made us get our collective figure out of our arse's.....pardon my Spanish and get round to booking something!'.
The hot country then went on to say where they fancied travelling to. 'Seville wants to go down to South America and see his cousin Buenos Aires in Argentina, but the rest of us think Backpacking round Australia is the way to go...so we'll probably shoot down there for a bit, kick back and relax!'.

Spain was made famous in the 1970's when dimwit waiter Manuel got a job on the telly as Manuel the dimwit waiter on the documentary Fawlty Towers, and lists football and killing innocent bulls as 2 of its favorite pastimes.