Friday, 18 December 2009

White Stuff Falls From Above!?!


There were scenes of confusion and mild bewilderment all over Great Britain last night as cold flakes of white wet stuff (pictured above) fell from the sky intermittently for a couple of hours!?!

The phenomenon some are calling ''Snow'' at one point actually started settling on the ground, whereas all previous ''Snowfall'' has melted immediately upon impact with the UK ground.

Some onlookers who witnessed the deluge said it seemed familiar....almost as if they'd seen it before but couldn't remember where or when.....???, but this confusion caused widespread panic as workers and non workers alike presumed that it must be some kind of ''evil rain'' that would prevent them from going about their tedious lives. It was this that made many people stay indoors or leave work early, fearing that it might make them either too cold or keep them stranded at work!.

A weather expert spoke to bizarre 'Chuff me, every bloody time it snows we get this over the top reaction, it stays for a few hours then it disappears......the public then forget about it until the next time.......idiots!, we don't hear a peep out of the Americans and they get loads more than us........they just seem to get on with it!?!'.

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Piers Morgan In Smug Coma!


Piers Morgan has been taken to St Bruce's Hospital in Westminster after falling into a smug induced coma. Morgan (pictured above being smug) had just finished writing his smug column in The Sunday Mail and was midway through the recording of the very smug Piers Morgan's smug life stories. Morgan's manager Roger Dupree said 'Piers was being extraordinarily smug today so his smug levels were higher than normal, which even for someone as smug as Piers was far too smug!!. The doctors have assured us that he will pull through, and have told us that when he wakes up we must not under any circumstances let him talk about himself or let him on the telly,......... that could give him a smug relapse!'.
Fellow smug sufferer Simon Cowell said 'I really hope Piers pulls through, i really do, the smug performance he gave on Britain's Got Talent was some of the best smugness I've ever seen in my life......i really mean that as well!'.

APOLOGIES

Due to problems in the bizarre office yesterday, no news can be shared today. Back tomorrow!

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Sugababes - We are so chilled out now!!


Pop musics most argumentative trio the Sugababes have told bizarre that 'we're so chilled out these days' and that they haven't thought about changing their line up for weeks!.

The group made famous for its in fighting, bitching and backstabbing have not replaced anyone since scouse diva Heidi Range (above left) ordered the execution of founder member Keisha Buchanan (above right). Label chiefs thought execution was 'a bit O.T.T!?!' but they met the Liverpudlian halfway by sacking Buchanan and replacing her with Eurovision embarrassment Jade Ewen. This followed hot on the heels of Mutya Buena been ousted due to Range not liking her tattoos.........'they put me off me singin, sack her' she famously shouted backstage at Top Of The Pops.

Our reporter joined Range for breakfast to find out more, she said in her hard to understand accent... 'I'm always being asked I'm anything like the diva I'm portrayed as being, but I'm really really not like that, I'm so laid back, nuthin bothers me, I'm so easy go..........look at that!, look what the waitress has brought me......shes given me toast cut into triangles......i told her didn't i!?, i told her i wanted my toast cut into halves....the idiot...doesn't she know who i am.....I'm Heidi Range, leader of the Sugababes....I'll have the feckin halfwit sacked for this!....sorry, where was I, oh yes...I'm so easy going...i just roll with the punches!'.

Since this interview was conducted, all members of the Sugababes have sacked themselves and as yet have not been replaced!.

Monday, 14 December 2009

Before they were famous

Susan Boyle (pictured above with husband and former comedy partner Syd Little) when they used to entertain the nation as the popular double act Cannon & Ball

X Factor Finale!!


Olly McElderry won last nights final of the X Factor, beating Joe Murs by 1 vote after the shows 58 week run. Olly polled 32'523'115 votes with Joe receiving 1 less!!.

The shows dictator Simon Cowell (pictured above after seeing a small child injured) said 'this has to be the best show ever, since the last time i said this was the best show ever last week!. It just goes to show that the British public will throw away their money given the first opportunity on whatever rubbish we serve up for them.....well done you public, and i mean that i really do!!'.

Louis Walsh in his role as 'Losing Manager' also spoke to the shows host Dermot O'Dreary 'Dermie, there are no winners tonight, their both losers....whoops slip of the tongue.....oooooo as Stephen Gately said to Ronan!......only joking, i think both these guys could be the new Leon Jackson!!'