Santa's outburst at Eurostar!

Rumours are spreading (not quite as fast as wild fire but certainly like a steady house fire) that popular Christmas fatty Santa Claus (or Father Christmas as some of you may know him) has been put dramatically behind schedule due to the Eurostar delays.

Speaking to Bizarre news from Paris Mr Claus said, 'It's feckin typical isn't it.....you don't go on a holiday all year round, you decide to take a quick weekend break before your biggest night of the year....and this happens!!. Can't feckin believe it!!, to be honest we only took the train cos me Mrs had some vouchers for £20 off......i told her we should av flown!!, we could av used these vouchers on a booze cruise in the summer before the World Cup or something.....but no, she knows best!. So even if we get home tomorrow, i'm not gonna get any me time to relax before Christmas bastard Eve!.....and i've not finished me shopping yet!, even the good kids will be getting stuff from service stations this year!......... and to make matters worse, i'm meant to be getting a massage later today, and i can't cancel cos i need to give them 24 hours notice!. So not only will i miss Mistress Susie's rubdown, thats £35 i'm not gonna see again!'.

Eurostar hope to resume normal service today, which hopefully will enable Santa to get home on time and save Christmas.

Rage ruins Christmas yet again!

Rage Against the Machine (pictured above being angry) have once again secured the Xmas number 1 slot with this years offering, the festively themed 'Killing in the Name', despite a spirited effort to beat it to the top spot by a campaign started on ITV.

Music fans who were fed up of being spoon fed the same old anarchic rap metal tunes sung by the American band decided to get together in an attempt to find a way of toppling them from their usual place at the top of the xmas charts. Spokesman for the movement Simon Cowell said 'This really has been a grass roots movement by music lovers to show RATM that the public are fed up of their dominance. It could be the beginning of the end for rap metal, and the music that I love could return to its rightful place. I just wish Robson and Jerome were still with us to see it!.....and i really mean that'.

The movement decided the best thing to do was to start an ITV Saturday night show and get people to humiliate themselves by singing to some overpaid and overrated judges who would then pick the dullest or blandest karaoke singer and then the winner would sing a handpicked sickly ballad, the sort of fayre the typical ITV viewer would love.

Unfortunately for the little Geordie girl Josephine McInderry who was chosen to take on RATM, her song 'The Climb' only managed to reach Number 2 last night, with the Americans outselling it by 50'000 copies.
Rage Against the Machine have had the xmas Number 1 for the past 5 years, with last years effort 'Deck the Halls with Guerrilla Warfare' outselling the nearest competitor Alexandra Burke with her song 'Annoying Flop' by 230'000 copies.
The last word went to Cowell 'Even though we didn't quite get our song to number 1, I think we all proved a point. The public have spoken and have had their say, it turns out that not as many of us like my style of dull emotionless music as i thought, but the gap is closing Rage!, next year we'll get you!'.


Based on an idea by N Burgin

White Stuff Falls From Above!?!

There were scenes of confusion and mild bewilderment all over Great Britain last night as cold flakes of white wet stuff (pictured above) fell from the sky intermittently for a couple of hours!?!

The phenomenon some are calling ''Snow'' at one point actually started settling on the ground, whereas all previous ''Snowfall'' has melted immediately upon impact with the UK ground.

Some onlookers who witnessed the deluge said it seemed familiar....almost as if they'd seen it before but couldn't remember where or when.....???, but this confusion caused widespread panic as workers and non workers alike presumed that it must be some kind of ''evil rain'' that would prevent them from going about their tedious lives. It was this that made many people stay indoors or leave work early, fearing that it might make them either too cold or keep them stranded at work!.

A weather expert spoke to bizarre 'Chuff me, every bloody time it snows we get this over the top reaction, it stays for a few hours then it disappears......the public then forget about it until the next time.......idiots!, we don't hear a peep out of the Americans and they get loads more than us........they just seem to get on with it!?!'.

Piers Morgan In Smug Coma!

Piers Morgan has been taken to St Bruce's Hospital in Westminster after falling into a smug induced coma. Morgan (pictured above being smug) had just finished writing his smug column in The Sunday Mail and was midway through the recording of the very smug Piers Morgan's smug life stories. Morgan's manager Roger Dupree said 'Piers was being extraordinarily smug today so his smug levels were higher than normal, which even for someone as smug as Piers was far too smug!!. The doctors have assured us that he will pull through, and have told us that when he wakes up we must not under any circumstances let him talk about himself or let him on the telly,......... that could give him a smug relapse!'.
Fellow smug sufferer Simon Cowell said 'I really hope Piers pulls through, i really do, the smug performance he gave on Britain's Got Talent was some of the best smugness I've ever seen in my life......i really mean that as well!'.

APOLOGIES

Due to problems in the bizarre office yesterday, no news can be shared today. Back tomorrow!

Sugababes - We are so chilled out now!!

Pop musics most argumentative trio the Sugababes have told bizarre that 'we're so chilled out these days' and that they haven't thought about changing their line up for weeks!.

The group made famous for its in fighting, bitching and backstabbing have not replaced anyone since scouse diva Heidi Range (above left) ordered the execution of founder member Keisha Buchanan (above right). Label chiefs thought execution was 'a bit O.T.T!?!' but they met the Liverpudlian halfway by sacking Buchanan and replacing her with Eurovision embarrassment Jade Ewen. This followed hot on the heels of Mutya Buena been ousted due to Range not liking her tattoos.........'they put me off me singin, sack her' she famously shouted backstage at Top Of The Pops.

Our reporter joined Range for breakfast to find out more, she said in her hard to understand accent... 'I'm always being asked I'm anything like the diva I'm portrayed as being, but I'm really really not like that, I'm so laid back, nuthin bothers me, I'm so easy go..........look at that!, look what the waitress has brought me......shes given me toast cut into triangles......i told her didn't i!?, i told her i wanted my toast cut into halves....the idiot...doesn't she know who i am.....I'm Heidi Range, leader of the Sugababes....I'll have the feckin halfwit sacked for this!....sorry, where was I, oh yes...I'm so easy going...i just roll with the punches!'.

Since this interview was conducted, all members of the Sugababes have sacked themselves and as yet have not been replaced!.

Before they were famous

Susan Boyle (pictured above with husband and former comedy partner Syd Little) when they used to entertain the nation as the popular double act Cannon & Ball

X Factor Finale!!

Olly McElderry won last nights final of the X Factor, beating Joe Murs by 1 vote after the shows 58 week run. Olly polled 32'523'115 votes with Joe receiving 1 less!!.

The shows dictator Simon Cowell (pictured above after seeing a small child injured) said 'this has to be the best show ever, since the last time i said this was the best show ever last week!. It just goes to show that the British public will throw away their money given the first opportunity on whatever rubbish we serve up for them.....well done you public, and i mean that i really do!!'.

Louis Walsh in his role as 'Losing Manager' also spoke to the shows host Dermot O'Dreary 'Dermie, there are no winners tonight, their both losers....whoops slip of the tongue.....oooooo as Stephen Gately said to Ronan!......only joking, i think both these guys could be the new Leon Jackson!!'

SUBO's SUMO Album Sales

Susan Boyle's debut album which is titled 'Bet you wish your girlfriend looked like me!?!' has single handedly saved the music industry according to leading music so called experts. The album which was cynically released just in time for Christmas sold 7 million copies before it had even been recorded and is credited with saving HMV from going into administration, as 99.9% of the retailers sales in the last month have been the Britain's Got Talent star. Boyle (47, despite what she looks) was unavailable for comment as she was having one of her turns.
HMV spokesman Ian Brillcream said 'At the rate that this is selling, everyone in the world will have a copy of the album by Christmas. I know people who are buying 2 or 3 copies just in case they wear out the first CD they bought!!, we not had scenes like this at HMV since Robson and Jerome were alive'.

Rihanna gets drenched when she forgets umbrella!

Pop music punchbag Rihanna got caught out in the rain last night after she was turned away from the KoKo club in London Town where she was meant to be hosting her own birthday party!. Doormen turned the singer (famous for the song Raindrops keep falling on my head) away from the club because she was sporting a black eye (given to her for her birthday by boyfriend Chris Brown), and they thought 'she might be trouble!'
After an awkward 20 argument she admitted defeat and trudged off in the heavy rain, one onlooker said 'bet she wishes she'd brought her umbrella now!'.

Stacey even annoys us!! say parents

X Factors annoyingly voiced finalist Stacey Solomon's parents have admitted that 'she annoys us as much as she's annoying everyone else!'. The essex girl nicknamed 'the hyperactive poodle' has driven her family mad on countless occasions and it transpires that they signed her up on the ITV show just to get rid of her for a bit! When asked if the rumoured relationship with Stacey and Olly Murs was genuine Mrs Solomon said 'I can't see it can you?!, would you want to spend time with that if you didn't have too?! No course not!'.

POSH SPICE 'I've stopped using fake tan!'

Victoria Beckham has sensationally revealed to Bizarre News that she has stopped using fake tan!. Speaking last night she said 'the fake tan is gone!, its like Rebecca Loo's......gone forever...... never again.....it's just not brown enough, I've started using a well known brand of wood protector instead, it's great cos I look even more tanned plus I'm protected against bad weather for the next 10 years! Then she lashed out against the critics of her unusual coloured skin 'People have a go at me, but they never have a go at Whitney Houston do they!?, thats a type of racism!'.