Andre appearance causes chaos at Derbyshire Supermarket

Cypriot grease-ball Peter Andre (pictured above after being asked what 1 plus 1 was) caused chaos on Friday at a supermarket (Tescos) in Derbyshire (Chesterfield) as literally tens of people turned up wanting to meet the former star of ITV 2's Katie & Peter show. Andre was in town to promote his new book 'Pete - My life in pictures'.

Speaking to a Bizarre News Reporter, Andre said ''It's great to see (asks manager where he is) ......Chesterfield's unemployed women coming out to meet me and buy my book''. When asked what his book was about he said ''This book is about my time since I split up with Katie, its a collection of drawings I've done which you can colour in if you want!!'' Andre commented enthusiastically ''but it's not just a colouring book, it's also got a dot to dot section!''. Our reporter then said ''You say you did the pictures Peter?, but surely it was your kids that did the drawings?'' Andre replied ''Nah mate, it was all me, I done them with my new felts and everything!!''.

The crowd of scary northern women who had come to mob Andre included workmates Emma and Frankie. Emma (25) said ''He's reet fit isn't he, we've had to pretend we're ill so we could leave work and meet him!''. Frankie (19) said ''You're not going to publish this are you?......no, good. If I could, I'd have him for breakfast......and his brother.......shame about his music though!''.

Reid gets the Price right in Las Vegas!

Hideous so called celebrity couple Alex Reid and Katy Price have had a surprisingly 'tack free' wedding in Las Vegas which is in America. The embarrassing couple (above, looking for the pink bear they skinned for Price to wear on the flight) made the decision to 'get hitched' because they had a few minutes spare on their holiday in between filming scripted scenes for their new ITV 2 show 'What Katie Did Next - featuring this years new man Alex Reid'.

Reid the winner of this years 'Sorry, I've never seen you before....What do you do? Big Brother' show had been convinced by his housemate and fellow ex successful person Stephen Baldwin that he should show some dignity, accept god into his life and not continue the relationship with Price, but on his release from the house in an interview with enthusiastic wearer of black clothes McCall (Devina), he said ''I know she messes me about, I know she's still in love with Andre (Cypriot) and I know she told the world (not actually the whole world, just the stupid people watching that Jungle rubbish) that she wasn't with me anymore!....but I just can't resist her....what can I tell you, she's everything I look for in a woman......plus I've never had the chance to be in a relationship when people can call me the talented and clever one!!'' Reid added.

Following the appearance on the show, Price dragged Reid off to America so the press couldn't give him media coverage and risk making him more famous than her, but instead of 'lying low' she made the decision that a wedding would ''really push up ratings'', and the two 'tied the knot' at a Chapel in Las Vegas.
Speaking to the film crew following them, the bride said ''I'm really happy, the happiest I've ever been....marrying this one this for series could be the one.....I could have done without him winning that Big Brother fing, but I'm rolling with the punch, it could make me more famous!....''.
The badly dressed fashion botherer also added ''Now, I just want the papers who we haven't sold our story to, and the TV companies that aren't filming our every move, to leave use alone and show some respect''.

Meanwhile, speaking on SkyNews a visibly elated Peter Andre said ''Thank F@#k for that, now she might leave me alone......pardon my Greek and sorry for swearing but it's a huge relief off my shoulders!!'.

#NEWSFLASH FROM HEAD OFFICE#

For the time being the bizarre news stories will not updated quite as often as you lovely people deserve!. The reason for this is due to work starting on an exciting new project. Please keep coming back though because there could be new material!!.

Osama's Bin Phoning!

TV funnyman Osama Bin Laden (pictured above playing keyboards for girlfriend Brittney Spears) has hit out at claims that he died 9 years ago in the bombing raids on Afghanistan!.

The beardy hater of the western world speaking on Scott Mills drive time show on Radio One said 'There are peoples out there what say I'm deaded!, but I say to them that if I'm deaded how comes every year I release an authentic convincing video or audio tape!?! answer me that, plus how come I'm on the phone to you right now Millsey!!?? the conversation continued......

Mills: Haha, good point Osama, I think its just that people are still an incy bit angry with you cos of the naughty things you did in 2001!

Bin Laden: Oh geez Louise, I'm sick to death of everyone thinking I'm a one trick pony, I can do other things you know,........for example I'm amazing on the Nintendo Wii!.

Mills: Ok Osama, so just to confirm you're not dead!?, have you anything else in the pipeline?

Bin Laden: Thanks for asking Millso, I'm trying to convince people to follow me on Twitter, my hook name is 'OsamasBinTweeting, and I'm hosting the MOBO awards this year as well, you should come down Milly.......we're gonna Jihad like it's 1999!!'.

Mills: That's great, do you have a track you'd like to hear?

Bin Laden: Yes please Mill-Dog, I'd like to hear the Black Eyed Peas with I Gotta Feeling and I dedicate it to my girl Brittney....I love you baby-doll!.

Mills: Always nice to speak with you Osama.....and here's your song

British Television Awards Round Up!

Last night saw the '25th Annual National Television awards for mainly ITV shows' held at the O2 arena in London Town.

Here is a brief round up of some of the winners:

Ant n Dec acted surprised at winning the ''Best Presenter'' award for Saturday Night Takeaway despite having won it for the last 30 years, triumphing over Davina McCall from Big Brother, Dermot O'Dreary from The X Factor and Lolly Badcock from Babestation. An excited Dec said ''By Christ this arenas big, it's bigger than Piers Morgan's ego!''.

''Best Soap opera'' was voted for by the public and was won by Coronation Street, Eastenders accepted the award on their behalf (pictured above) as Coronation Street were unable to attend with actor Larry Lamb saying ''Typical, give the British public the chance to fuck something up and they will!''

The new award for ''Best programme starring Piers Morgan'' was won by 'One man and his Ego', a show in which the smug Morgan goes on a soul searching journey round the world telling people how great he is and how much money he's got!.

The award for ''If they were that talented in the first place they wouldn't need to go on X Factor or Britain's Got Talent'' went to everybody who had that little charisma or talent that they needed to go on X Factor or Britain's Got Talent.

''Stupidest/Most Unbelievable Storyline'' award went to Hollyoaks for the 15th year in a row with the story of Tony, having run out of people to sleep with in Chester deciding to have an affair with himself!.

The ''Are you havin a laugh?'' award when to some annoying Loose Women for the show Loose Women.

The ''Whats Frank Lampard got that I haven't?'' award went to The One Show's Adrian Chiles, beating competition from Frank Lampard.

The last of the big awards was the prestigious ''Most Annoying Twat on Television'', which this year was given to Richard Hammond for any appearance he has ever made on the small screen.

Clarksons announce split!

Popular celebrity couple Jeremy and Kelly Clarkson (pictured above in happier times) has announced on their website they are going to split up with immediate effect!.

The couple who have been married for 20 years both say they have put up with each other for far too long and are leaving to pursue other love interests.

Although rarely seen together in public they did attend the recent premier of the new Police Academy movie 'Police Academy 25- Cops with Alzheimer's, but refused to talk to the press. Although at one point they were heard bickering about whether or not to have salty or sweet popcorn!.

An family friend who wishes to remain anonymous called James May told us ''This has been coming for a while, theres a few reasons but the main ones are that cos Jeremy is 10 years younger than Kelly he wants to go out all the time and shes just not bothered!, also he spends all his time with me and the little over enthusiastic fella who can't remember much''.

Clarkson (Kelly) is also thought to have become frustrated at her husbands really bad books, his ego, his stupid clothes, the fact he still does Alan Partridge impressions, his curly hair and the fact he's a personal friend of Conservative Leader David Cameron!.

Peppa's Pigged Off!

Star of her own TV show Peppa Pig (pictured above in happier times) has once again been in trouble with the authorities. The troubled youngster has been caught by police travelling in the passenger seat of her dad's car not wearing a seat belt!.

Peppa's career may have been short but it certainly has not been boring. In 2005 she famously converted to Islam and was rumoured to have visited a terrorist training camp (although these allegations were never proven), a year later she had her first visit to The Priory to help her quit her Heroin problem and in 2007 was caught on film in the infamous '3 in a bed' tape made in Ayia Napa with Kermit and Miss Piggy.

After this shaky period in her life 2008 was going well, with Peppa being told that despite the negative publicity she would not lose her hit show. In fact things went that well that she was offered a BBC2 Radio show with 'Loose Cannon' erratic presenter Shaun The Sheep. Shaun has also courted controversy over the years and the pairing of the two 'stars' together was a disaster with the BBC receiving on average 700 complaints after every show with the foul mouthed Animals breaching BBC broadcasting regulations on a regular basis.

The most high profile incident being when they rang up the ageing star Bungle from 70's hit kids show Rainbow and teased him about how Shaun (The Sheep) had slept with his Granddaughter after the Bear had failed to show up for a studio interview with the pair.

Peppa has been told to pay £340 and has 6 points on her pig driving license for her latest transgression, as the law prohibits pigs from travelling in the front of vehicles. Peppa commented to our reporter on the phone 'It's feckin typical, I'm being picked on again, I'm gonna quit this country and go somewhere where pigs are respected......like Pakistan or summat!?!'.

Police chief Ian Wolfwhistle also speaking to our reporter simply said 'Peppa needs to cut out this bad behavior and show some respect....or should i say 'Chop' it out.....d'yer get it? Chop!......Pork.....she's a pig!....oh f....'.