Tuesday, 2 February 2010
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we bring you the stories that the professionals were too professional to make up
What we're listening to today in the Bizarre office!
R Kelly 'Uncle Kelly's gonna treat you to some lovin'
WHO'S DESPERATE FOR ATTENTION THIS WEEK?
This week the person who is most desperate for attention is:
KATIE PRICE
KATIE PRICE
Who's the best?
Ant: 1%
Dec: 1%
Don't know which is which: 98%
Dec: 1%
Don't know which is which: 98%
5 MOST SEARCHED WORDS ON THE INTERNET THIS WEEK
1. Cheryl
2. Cole
3. On
4. All
5. Fours
2. Cole
3. On
4. All
5. Fours
Bizarre Problems
Readers write in with their problems:
Dear Bizarre
I'm a portly, some would say fat married woman with 2 kids who recently has been made redundant from a firm of Chartered Surveyors. I have previously been a designer of aeroplanes, an ice cream taster, a self taught computer expert and a salad dodger!. What I want to know is whats worse 1)The fact I sent my kid to a private school that we can't afford and he's only 6 or summat, or 2) I make him wear 'CROCS'!?.
Aunty Mindy 56
N.B. I drive a Passat if that helps at all!?!
Mindy, you barbaric parent!!, you made your child wear CROCS?, for that alone you deserve to be redundant forever!!
P.S. I've heard your home is a mess, get it cleaned you dirty monkey!!
Dear Bizarre
I present a show which is named after me on ITV which takes the piss out of lifes unfortunate misfits. I'd like people to take me seriously and give me a prime-time news show where I could put to use my DNA testing and lie detector skills to the test against people like Nick Griffin and the other tyrant Robert Mugabe. The thing is the TV bosses only think I'm capable of shouting at stupid people, they don't see that I'm a serious journalist stuck inside a twats body!, any advice?
Jeremy (45 Tit)
Jeremy, your not a serious journalist at all are you? your guests are dimwitted outcasts rounded up in Argos, your studio guests are rubberneckers who enjoy other peoples misery and your viewers are the work-shy or people who will shortly be appearing on your show. Give up mate, your no Trisha
Dear Bizarre
I've just been on a roadtrip which proved to be very difficult, but i did meet a very nice man called Neal Page. We caused quite alot of damage on the way to hire cars etc, and at one point i inadvertantly stole his credit card!. What can i tell ya, i'm a klutz i guess!?!. Anyway, listen to me blabbering on,...y'know... nothing grinds my gears more than a chatterbox just babbleing on with no point to the story or in this case letter!
Del (42 No fixed abode)
Del, are you the shower curtain ring guy? Those things you sold me are great....you were right....'best in the world!'.
Dear Bizarre
I can't stop putting lol after everything i write lol. Its becoming a problem because I've recently got a job writing in the deaths section of my local newspaper lol!. In my first piece i said ''Bob was a keen gardener and died doing what he enjoyed best.....the gardening lol''. My boss said it was inappropriate but the problem is i just don't know the correct place to use it? lol? Can you help? lol
Shanise (23 Chesterfield)
Shanise, most people your age and younger have the same problem, you seem to think that by putting lol after everything it makes you look funny!......it doesn't,.....it makes you a dick! stop it
Dear Bizarre
I hope you can help!, I'm in a really bad financial position but i've found a sure fire way to make a bit of extra money!, but i just need your help with a few matters. Do you know the best way to rob a bank? is it gun to a tellers head or drill into the vault from a neighbouring building? I've seen both methods used in the films and on TV etc but don't want to waste my time on either if they don't actually work if you know what i mean!?! lol.
Jimmy The Fingers (24 Strangeways)
Jimmy, good question!, we've asked around the office and we all agree its online fraud these days!. Simply hack into one of the high street banks computers and the worlds your money oyster! enjoy the cash!
Dear Bizarre
Are any of these problems that people write in with real? The reason i ask is if i actually had a problem that i thought you could help me with i wanted to know if you will put it on the site or do you ignore real letters?
Debbie (16 Barnsley)
Debbie, yep, they are real but we only put a fraction of the letters received on the site. Is the problem that you are 16 and yet still called Debbie?? Bit of an old name that isn't it? depression is it?? feel bad do you?? let us know!!
Dear Bizarre
I accidentally heard Santa telling my Mum that if she really loved him she'd let him in the back door instead of the normal way?!?. I presume by the other way he meant the chimney?!?. I just want to make sure that if my Mum doesn't let Santa take the back entrance that it won't affect my chances of getting presents next year. I can understand if she won't let him because he might be very dirty having traveled round the world to all the boys and girls houses in the world, and he might not have brought any protection to put on his feet? Please put my mind at ease!
Brian (36 Swansea)
Brian, sounds to me like your mum is a bit of a Santa slut!, tell her to make sure the frisky fat man uses his sack wisely!!
Dear Bizarre
I'm an 8 year old boy who's been left Home Alone while my entire family have gone to Paris without me. I think they did it because I made a fuss about my brother Buzz eating all my cheese pizza which i kinda regret because now 2 bumbling thieves keep trying to break into my house all day and night long. All i want to know is will my family come back to me or have they gone for good?
Kevin (8 Chicago)
Kevin, no they probably won't come back!, you sound horrible and the reason why alot of parents wish they'd never had kids!
Dear Bizarre
I love Ant n Dec!, i reckon they're brilliant, so funny, but my girlfriend says she'll leave me unless i stop pretending i'm Dec. I just wander into strangers houses when they're playing on their Nintendo Wii's and talk to them about it and take them on at challenges and stuff, but my gf says its weird and freaky......cos I'm a 45 balding fat man!. Should i stop my obsession?
Derek (45 Grimsby)
Derek, you need a sidekick, then you won't look stupid!. Ask a mate to play Ant then you'll be Grimsby's biggest thing since fish!
Dear Bizarre
I know its wrong and i shouldn't..... but i like James Blunt! In fact i love the sound of his voice. I realise this is stupid and no normal person would feel like this so i'm really worried!! Am i going mad? will i get better? I can't talk to any friends about it cos i think they might ditch me......please help!?!?
Dave (23 Luton)
Dave, you're right its not normal, especially for a man but with help you can get better!. Try not to listen to him, no matter how hard you find it, and try watching MTV2 instead of MTV. That should sort you out in no time!!
Dear Bizarre
I'm a intelligent career girl with a boyfriend who i'm really fond of and think he could be the one, but he has a problem. He's abit overweight and he insists on wearing skinny jeans in public!?!. Is this just a passing phase?, or will he always look stupid?. People often point, stare and shout things when he goes out and its got me thinking that he might be mentally ill!
Can you help?
Carrie (23 Derby)
Carrie, dump him, he sounds like a fashion victim, next you'll find him wearing plimsols and shortsleeved checked cowboy shirts. Get out while you can!
Dear Bizarre
I'm a portly, some would say fat married woman with 2 kids who recently has been made redundant from a firm of Chartered Surveyors. I have previously been a designer of aeroplanes, an ice cream taster, a self taught computer expert and a salad dodger!. What I want to know is whats worse 1)The fact I sent my kid to a private school that we can't afford and he's only 6 or summat, or 2) I make him wear 'CROCS'!?.
Aunty Mindy 56
N.B. I drive a Passat if that helps at all!?!
Mindy, you barbaric parent!!, you made your child wear CROCS?, for that alone you deserve to be redundant forever!!
P.S. I've heard your home is a mess, get it cleaned you dirty monkey!!
Dear Bizarre
I present a show which is named after me on ITV which takes the piss out of lifes unfortunate misfits. I'd like people to take me seriously and give me a prime-time news show where I could put to use my DNA testing and lie detector skills to the test against people like Nick Griffin and the other tyrant Robert Mugabe. The thing is the TV bosses only think I'm capable of shouting at stupid people, they don't see that I'm a serious journalist stuck inside a twats body!, any advice?
Jeremy (45 Tit)
Jeremy, your not a serious journalist at all are you? your guests are dimwitted outcasts rounded up in Argos, your studio guests are rubberneckers who enjoy other peoples misery and your viewers are the work-shy or people who will shortly be appearing on your show. Give up mate, your no Trisha
Dear Bizarre
I've just been on a roadtrip which proved to be very difficult, but i did meet a very nice man called Neal Page. We caused quite alot of damage on the way to hire cars etc, and at one point i inadvertantly stole his credit card!. What can i tell ya, i'm a klutz i guess!?!. Anyway, listen to me blabbering on,...y'know... nothing grinds my gears more than a chatterbox just babbleing on with no point to the story or in this case letter!
Del (42 No fixed abode)
Del, are you the shower curtain ring guy? Those things you sold me are great....you were right....'best in the world!'.
Dear Bizarre
I can't stop putting lol after everything i write lol. Its becoming a problem because I've recently got a job writing in the deaths section of my local newspaper lol!. In my first piece i said ''Bob was a keen gardener and died doing what he enjoyed best.....the gardening lol''. My boss said it was inappropriate but the problem is i just don't know the correct place to use it? lol? Can you help? lol
Shanise (23 Chesterfield)
Shanise, most people your age and younger have the same problem, you seem to think that by putting lol after everything it makes you look funny!......it doesn't,.....it makes you a dick! stop it
Dear Bizarre
I hope you can help!, I'm in a really bad financial position but i've found a sure fire way to make a bit of extra money!, but i just need your help with a few matters. Do you know the best way to rob a bank? is it gun to a tellers head or drill into the vault from a neighbouring building? I've seen both methods used in the films and on TV etc but don't want to waste my time on either if they don't actually work if you know what i mean!?! lol.
Jimmy The Fingers (24 Strangeways)
Jimmy, good question!, we've asked around the office and we all agree its online fraud these days!. Simply hack into one of the high street banks computers and the worlds your money oyster! enjoy the cash!
Dear Bizarre
Are any of these problems that people write in with real? The reason i ask is if i actually had a problem that i thought you could help me with i wanted to know if you will put it on the site or do you ignore real letters?
Debbie (16 Barnsley)
Debbie, yep, they are real but we only put a fraction of the letters received on the site. Is the problem that you are 16 and yet still called Debbie?? Bit of an old name that isn't it? depression is it?? feel bad do you?? let us know!!
Dear Bizarre
I accidentally heard Santa telling my Mum that if she really loved him she'd let him in the back door instead of the normal way?!?. I presume by the other way he meant the chimney?!?. I just want to make sure that if my Mum doesn't let Santa take the back entrance that it won't affect my chances of getting presents next year. I can understand if she won't let him because he might be very dirty having traveled round the world to all the boys and girls houses in the world, and he might not have brought any protection to put on his feet? Please put my mind at ease!
Brian (36 Swansea)
Brian, sounds to me like your mum is a bit of a Santa slut!, tell her to make sure the frisky fat man uses his sack wisely!!
Dear Bizarre
I'm an 8 year old boy who's been left Home Alone while my entire family have gone to Paris without me. I think they did it because I made a fuss about my brother Buzz eating all my cheese pizza which i kinda regret because now 2 bumbling thieves keep trying to break into my house all day and night long. All i want to know is will my family come back to me or have they gone for good?
Kevin (8 Chicago)
Kevin, no they probably won't come back!, you sound horrible and the reason why alot of parents wish they'd never had kids!
Dear Bizarre
I love Ant n Dec!, i reckon they're brilliant, so funny, but my girlfriend says she'll leave me unless i stop pretending i'm Dec. I just wander into strangers houses when they're playing on their Nintendo Wii's and talk to them about it and take them on at challenges and stuff, but my gf says its weird and freaky......cos I'm a 45 balding fat man!. Should i stop my obsession?
Derek (45 Grimsby)
Derek, you need a sidekick, then you won't look stupid!. Ask a mate to play Ant then you'll be Grimsby's biggest thing since fish!
Dear Bizarre
I know its wrong and i shouldn't..... but i like James Blunt! In fact i love the sound of his voice. I realise this is stupid and no normal person would feel like this so i'm really worried!! Am i going mad? will i get better? I can't talk to any friends about it cos i think they might ditch me......please help!?!?
Dave (23 Luton)
Dave, you're right its not normal, especially for a man but with help you can get better!. Try not to listen to him, no matter how hard you find it, and try watching MTV2 instead of MTV. That should sort you out in no time!!
Dear Bizarre
I'm a intelligent career girl with a boyfriend who i'm really fond of and think he could be the one, but he has a problem. He's abit overweight and he insists on wearing skinny jeans in public!?!. Is this just a passing phase?, or will he always look stupid?. People often point, stare and shout things when he goes out and its got me thinking that he might be mentally ill!
Can you help?
Carrie (23 Derby)
Carrie, dump him, he sounds like a fashion victim, next you'll find him wearing plimsols and shortsleeved checked cowboy shirts. Get out while you can!
Todays TV Highlights
BBC 2, 11.30pm Eggheads Late Night:- The resident team of know alls take on the girls from Babestation
UK Living, 6pm Rotherham's Best Model:- The team try to find a half decent model in the wierd little town
BBC3, 11.30pm Best Of Horne & Corden:- Programme may be canceled if non can be found!
UK Living, 6pm Rotherham's Best Model:- The team try to find a half decent model in the wierd little town
BBC3, 11.30pm Best Of Horne & Corden:- Programme may be canceled if non can be found!
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About Me
- CDH Lavender
- Father of Sports In Shorts,pushed by Bryan Robson aged 10, half the size of John Lukic,spoke to Soccer AM's Hell's Bell's on the phone.
LEGAL DISCLAIMER
Unless you have not already guessed, NONE of the stories or quotes on this blog are true!!
CONTACT
coreylavender@hotmail.com
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