Ashton Kutcher admits 'I got the idea from Richard Madeley!'

American actor Ashton Kutcher famous for no films at all because he's not that good and MTV's Punked show, has admitted that he got the idea of marrying a pensioner (Demi Moore 65) from Richard Madeley over 10 years ago when he was nothing but a child!.

Speaking to popular over 65's magazine 'Something For The Old People' Kutcher said ''I went on the ITV This Morning show (watched by the unemployed and the stupid) and there was this guy on it with long hair who had just been caught stealing from Tesco's......I think the guy was called Richard?????, anyway, he presented the show with a woman I presumed was his mother or granny!, she just sat there shaking and showing her bra off!?!....... I never realised that she was his wife!. He told me that older women had plenty of things in their favor.......experience, cooking abilities and a state pension!. It was then that I decided thats what I was gonna do, so I went to a Hollywood old peoples home and picked up Demi. Shes not all there mentally but for a wrinkly she ain't so bad is she?? anyway gotta go, I have to have her back to Glenview Pines by 7pm for her evening meal!''.

Sick woman sues Noel Edmunds for being Noel Edmunds!

Bearded box enthusiast Noel Edmunds (above) is being sued by one of the recipients of his annual 'Noel's Christmas Presents' featured on the Sky One TV show of the same name.

The woman who is being called Zara Lewis because that's her name, suffers from a rare anti box opening game show disease called 'Noels Syndrome'. This one of a kind illness will mean that Lewis (Zara) will eventually realise that any TV show featuring Noel (Edmunds) is utterly pointless and will never be able to watch one of his shows without getting unbelievably angry that the beardy 'spray on trousered' lion lookalike is allowed to be on television.

When Noel heard about the unfortunate Lewis he wanted to help her while she would still think he was great, and he discovered the best way to do this was to make her dream come true of getting married to her partner Mike in Barbados. All was going well until Edmunds insisted on giving the bride away whilst wearing one of his trademark flowery shirts and tight jeans combination outfits. Lewis described the day...... 'All was going well, Noel and been wonderful and I just presumed he was going to be at the wedding as a guest, but he told my dad it would be better for the show if he himself gave me away. So i had to suffer the embarrassment of being walked down the aisle by that creepy toss pot!.....which brought my underlying Edmunds Syndrome on quicker!'.

Since Lewis now despises the star of Deal Or No Deal, she has sued him for making her look stupid on the biggest day of her life, with lawyer Simon Appleby of Appleby and Appleby Lawyers saying 'Lewis has got a great case against him, imagine your wedding day and you've got Noel Edmunds telling all the guests to think positive and she'll say yes!....it cheapens the sanctity of marriage'.

Confused Price forgets who her boyfriend is!

Winner of the recent award for 'The Worlds Worse Human' Katy Price (pictured above refusing to let go of Peter Andre) has admitted that she has forgotten who her boyfriend is at the moment!.

Speaking to TIT magazine the big chested and ego-ed non star said 'I remember splitting up with Pete (Andre), then ITV 2 told me I needed an new boyfriend cos of the new show I was starring in wot was called 'Jordans New Man'. So that's when I hired Alex the cross dressing cage fighter, then I got the chance to go back to the jungle wot I met Pete in and I fink I split up with Alex whilst I was there!?!. I didn't tell him personally but he must have been watching when I said I wanted to split up with him!?. We've all been there haven't we girls?, you're on the TV and you accidentally tell the world you want to split up with your boyfriend without having spoken to your boyfriend about it..........I mean, its all equality these days isn't it, wot with it being the 90's and everything!!'. Anyway, then i came out of the jungle cos I was having so much fun doing all the tasks, I just thought it would be fair to let other people have a go being as the public were showing how much they still loved me, and I got back with Alex, but then I met Dave Bowers who I used to go out with before I made that pregnant porn video and I had a night with him.....but I can't remember if I'm going out with Dave (Bowers) or Alex (cross dressing dumbo)???. Then wot got me really mad was seeing them both on Celeb Big Bro..............I mean if Channel 4 wanted z list celebs.....why didn't they call me???'.

ITV line up changes!

ITV's head of light entertainment has admitted that the 2010 line up of programmes will all feature in some way either Ant n Dec, Simon Cowell or Piers Morgan.

Liz Thompson speaking to Bizarre News said 'We decided that being as they were in 90% of all output anyway we might as well make them appear in everything we show!'.

This means that shows such as Coronation Street are going to be incorporating one of the ITV darlings somehow, and early indications are that Piers Morgan will be appearing in the Manchester based soap opera as Vincent Sinclair, Audrey Roberts very smug and pompous name dropping estranged son from an affair she had following a day trip to London.

Simon Cowell as well as continuing his position as 'critical twat' on both Britain's Got Talent and X Factor will be taking the lead in Midsomer Murders as Chief Inspector Barnaby now that John Nettles has given up the role. A Bizarre source told us that ' we've been hearing him practicing his lines backstage at American Idol!....we heard him saying 'That had to be, the most pointless murder and worst use of a crowbar I've ever seen in my life! and i really mean that i really do!'.

Ant n Dec who were recently crowned as the most successful gay Siamese twins in history, have been earmarked to take over the helm as the husband and wife duo on This Morning being as Holly Willoughby and Pip Schofield are not believable as an 'on screen' couple because of the age difference!, despite claims from Schofield that 'People think I'm old, but I'm prematurely grey.....I'm in my late twenties honest.......well, thirty.......thirty ish, to mid thirties........well, forty's the new twenty now isn't it, so technically I'm still twenty so Holly could be my wife!'. Willoughby simply quipped 'Me and Schofield as a couple!?!? ha, unlikely grey boy!'.

Reporters and Journalists Clog Up UK!

Television, Radio and newspaper reporters have brought Britain to a halt by clogging up the roads and pavements by reporting on the snowy conditions with their outside broadcast teams.

While all members of the public have taken the sensible advice from the reporters to stay inside unless your journey is absolutely necessary, they have failed to take their own advice themselves by getting stranded in places they told people they would be stupid to go to.

In Cumbria Sky News presenter Kay Burley caused havoc with parents trying to take their children to school because she and her crew had blocked the only road to the Lady Devere Junior school in Windermere with their outside broadcast van. Irate mother Debbie Reynolds said 'The stupid bitch said the bloody school was open, then we can't get in cos she's blocked the chuffing road!. Then the cheeky hoe criticises the parents for not making the effort of taking the children to school!'.

In Yorkshire Look North presenter Christa Ackroyd got stuck in a snowdrift in the village of Little Bigtown whilst doing a report on how dangerous it was in Little Bigtown with the risk of snowdrifts afoot.

On the M62 (dubbed the journalists graveyard) there was gridlock as thousands of TV crews all clambered to get to the coldest part of Britain in the Pennines to do a report on how cold it was in the Pennines. When asked why they needed to be there themselves in order to tell people how cold it is, London Today's Sheila Foggarty said 'Our viewers wouldn't be able to understand words!, they need pictures of how cold it is or they won't believe it!'.
In the same traffic jam a BBC reporter said 'I can't believe all these idiots have come out after we told them all non essential travel was non essential'. A comment later taken back when it was pointed out the jam was 100% journalist caused!.

News source WrightMedia

Terrorist snow threat!

Government experts are refusing to rule out the possibility that the current adverse snow and ice conditions blighting large parts of the United Britain have been sent by different sets of Al Qaeda terrorist groups (suspected terrorists pictured above preparing big snowball attack!).

The bad weather has hit Britain where the majority of the work gets done (the north) with the worst snowfall since the last time there was a big snowfall and the time before that. The government minister in charge of the Counter Snow Terrorism group Harry Gration issued the warning based on a tip off he read on an Arabic website in Hebrew translated into French, Dutch and Irish.

The minister also warned the public against the ground sleeper cells that Al Qaeda might have trained to 'raise hell' in towns and villages whilst the snow is on the ground. Gration said 'It is our fear that terrorists have trained children not at school to target members of the public.... especially idiots who have taken to the streets on skis just to show off! pretentious bastards!!. Plus, they could be using snowballs loaded with snow really packed in tight so that it really hurts!. The thing about terrorists is, they know how to hit us at our weak spot, and if snow falls we grind to a halt, so it makes sense that the snow and aggressive children with snowballs are Al Qaeda terrorists!'.

Another technique that Bizarre News has heard that terrorists might be using during this cold snap to disrupt Britain, is buying all the bread and milk from stores such as One Stop, Spar and Ma Hubbard's local village shop. Penistone (In Yorkshire) villager Brian Dewdrop commented 'If theres one thing that really pisses off a Yorkshire man its not being able to buy bread and milk!, and if I find I can't get hold of my copy of Yorkshire Today newspaper theres gonna be proper trouble!'.

Santa missing presumed missing!

Reports in Lapland are stating that foul mouthed rotund present giver Santa Claus (pictured above) has not yet returned home following his worldwide whistle stop Christmas Eve delivering session.

His wife Tracey Claus spoke on Lapland's main TV channel, 'he's never been this late before, don't get me wrong....he likes a drink or two as he does his rounds but its been nearly two weeks so even if he curled up in somebody's shed or summat to get over his hangover you'd av thought he'd be home by now!?!? i don't want to upset the kids but I'm getting a bit worried myself!'.

The news of Santa being missing will only add fuel to the Lapland gossip mongers who were reporting that only a week before Christmas he was spotted with a mystery blonde who at the time SC described as 'just a friend, we were just talking about presents and shit!......theres nowt goin on!'.

According to a inside source though it's common knowledge that Claus has an eye for female bodied humans and is very keen to make his image 'a little more bad boy' which would indicate that he has eloped with one of his special lady friends, but if anybody has any information on Mr Claus's whereabouts they should phone Lapland police on 00001 000001.

Based on a tip from Nick Burgin